I'm tired of this...

Nope. I'm tired of this feeling. Because I love myself and because I love my child, I need to do something about this.

I didn't realize or admit to myself until recently, but I've been binge eating at night. When Peter goes to work and when Jenny is sleeping, I have no other distractions, and I eat. Oh boy, do I eat. I'm talking whole Jimmy Johns subs, chips, drink, and then dessert. I'm talking dinner, dinner again, then 3 shortbread cookie bars.

I'm so sick. I feel like I'm just pushing my body to its limits and letting it control my life. I'm not happier because I eat. I don't feel like I'm fueling myself so that I can have energy for my daughter. I feel like I'm just stuffing and cramming and pushing. More more more. Until I can't move.

SO July 1 is the day I take my body back.

The Sadness

Sadness is rearing her head into my life again. Why? I don't know.

I didn't find out until recently that depression runs in my family. While I've never seen anyone or talk to anyone professionally, I think I may have it as well at times. A friend shot me a link to free counseling through NIU, maybe I'll check it out.

Writing in this blog, and really focusing my energy on loving myself and taking time for myself has really helped me in the past. Now that I'm not working and staying home full time to take care of Jenny, I really want (read: need) to schedule in time for me. I need to start painting again. I need to create and exercise, and maybe find a new hobby. I want to read and cook. I want to hang out with my daughter and make memories for both of us. I have a lot to be thankful for. Let's start relishing in these moments rather than dwell on 1 teeny, tiny negative thing.

A new day. A new Aimee.

For the past week and a half I've really been watching what I eat and going for walks. I think I've consistently walked at least 2 miles every day. I got a Fitbit for my birthday, and that helps. I really want to learn how to cook because I enjoy watching people cook, and I think I might get good at it, if I practice. I mean, good cooks run in my family.

So I don't know, I think posting will become a regular thing after Jenny goes to bed... Just need to think of a format and schedule...

SURPRISE!!

I can blog about this now. I've told my work, I've told my family, I've told my dance children, and I've put it my social media. Now, I can blog about it.

You may have noticed that I stopped blogging around April 1st of this year. I was going strong for a few months, then nothing. Well, that's because I pee'd on a stick and it was positive.

2 clear, dark blue lines. Happy April Fools Day, you're pregnant! I remember seeing a lot of posts online saying a positive pregnancy test is a cruel April Fools Day joke because so many people deal with infertility and pregnancy loss. It's insensitive. Then, here I am, with an actual positive test. Of course, I couldn't post about it on that day. I didn't know it yet, but I was only 4 weeks along.

Since I've been so irregular, and since my last period was at the end of January, the doctor said I could be as far as 9 weeks! But, after my first ultrasound, and only seeing a yolk sack (not a fetus!), they deemed me 5 weeks. So, the fact that Peter and I were able to get pregnant was a miracle. We had absolutely no idea when I was ovulating, and everyone was right. When you stop worrying about it, it'll happen. We tried when we were feeling frisky, not out of obligation. And it worked! I had another ultrasound the next week, and they found a little blip in my body. That blip was baby. At this point, Blip Baby even had a heartbeat! It's amazing, hearing a heat beat at 6 weeks, when baby is nothing but a head and a tail... It's awesome!

Once we had a heartbeat, we went ahead and told our family. Peter's mom, step dad, and sisters. Peter's dad and step mom. And my parents and brother. I, of course, had to tell someone right away, so I spilled the beans to my sister-in-law, Sabrina, and Lizzie; 2 of which were also pregnant at the time.

Time goes by. I get nauseous, but only actually throw up 3 times. I tell you, feeling nauseous, but never actually throwing up, is almost worse than actually throwing up...

I download 2 pregnancy apps. Ovia, which tells me the size of my baby in either strange-but-cute animals, toys & games, Parisian bakery items, or fruit & vegetables. I also download the What to Expect app, because it's too cliche to not download!

During the first 3 months, I stop going to the gym and live on bagels and toast. I feel miserable at work (which made it painfully obvious to my boss that I was pregnant), and snapped at some of my students at dance. My pants still fit, and things were looking good!

My 3 month ultrasound was magical!! I went with Jessie, my sister-in-law, as she was staying with us for the week. Baby was no longer a Blip Baby. Baby had arms, Baby had legs, and Baby was moving and shaking and kicking and waving at us! Baby was twisting and turning, and actually looked like a human. It was wild. It was amazing, and it's so AWESOME knowing that something like that is growing inside of me! Awesome, and a little freaky. The first and second ultrasound photos are only 6 weeks apart. It's amazing how Baby goes from tiny blip to actual fetus in less than 2 months. I can't believe it.

We had a big pregnancy reveal at my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I made him a shirt that said, "For my birthday, Aimee & Peter..." (on the front) "...are making me a COUSIN! Baby Marx Est. 12-2016" (on the back). It took people a little bit to figure out, because we call my cousin's baby, "baby cousin," so in actuality, Chevy (my nephew) already has, like, 4 cousins. But once they figured it out, they were all very happy for us, and congratulating us.

 

At the library (at at the dance studio), I announce my pregnancy a little different.

I bought a box of donuts and put a sign in the box that said something like, "Eat up, Aimee can't be the only one with a belly!" One of my coworkers at the library is also pregnant. She's 10 weeks more pregnant than I am. I think that worries some of my other coworkers (especially since my department is only 3 people, and 2 of them are pregnant....), but I think we'll be okay.

The dance recital was last night, June 4th. At the end of the show, my boss made a video commemorating the graduating seniors. She also had a bit talking about the growing ASA ("A Step Above;" the studio's name) family. She mentioned how she's getting married next summer and included a picture of her and her fiance. Directly after, she put up a picture of my 12 week ultrasound, and everyone in the audience gasped! They all through she was pregnant!! Hilarious! But soon after it said, "Baby Marx, coming December 2016. Congratulations Miss Aimee!" So now EVERYONE knows.

I've been having fun thinking about the future, how to decorate the baby's room, and what to paint for the baby. I just ordered maternity clothing from Old Navy. The pants I ordered in 3 different sizes, since I have no idea what will fit... So I totally have the intention of exchanging. Unfortunately, Old Navy stores near by carry maternity clothing... so I can't try on right away. But I also got dresses and a shirt.

#randomquestion

What word or saying from the past do you think should come back?

Word.

It's what you say when you agree with someone someone else has said. For example:

Person 1: Yo, these hot dogs are amazing!
Person 2: Word.
[both eat hot dogs]

Weekly round-up!

I've been slacking! Only made it to the gym twice this past week, and I didn't teach tap either. I've been a total bum!! I cannot wait until it gets nicer outside... I'd love to start running in the mornings.

March 28-April 3, 2016

• Spin class: 33 minutes, 10.4 miles.
• Treadmill: walk 15 minutes, high incline.
• Stationary bike: 15 minutes, 11 resistance.
• 24 push-ups, 24 sit-ups, 45 second plank, 12 burpees, 24 mountain climbers, 25 jumping jacks, 12 weighted squats. 
• At least 910 calories burned.

I was late to spin class because I wanted to get some HIIT in. My goal is to get back to a routine of at least going every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, with the occasional weekend day. We'll see. We're starting to get really busy at work, what with it being April, and we need to have everything for Summer Reading locked down by Memorial Day... That, and we have 8 rehearsals until the recital. Eight. My Tap 1 piece is a hot mess, and I just realized that Roger Daltrey says "Who the fuck are you?!" in the middle of my recital song... So... that's a problem. Did I mention our Summer Reading Kick-Off event is the same day as the recital?! What a long weekend I have to look forward to!!

#feelgood: body confidence

The Evolution of Barbie

I was pretty happy to stumble upon this video. It shows little girls playing with Barbie dolls that look like normal people. I guess Matel is making Barbie's in different shapes now, so kids can choose whether they want a more normal looking doll, or the stereotypical shaped Barbie doll. I like the idea of letting kids choose, but I don't think it's a good idea to get rid of the unproportional Barbie we all know and love. 

There is a fine line between wanting a doll that looks different, unlike yourself and idealizing that doll while bringing yourself down at the same time. I could want a Malibu Barbie because I'm a kid from the midwest, who has never been to a beach. It's fun to pretend. But when I start comparing myself to the doll, and feeling sad about it, that's when it becomes unhealthy. I'm hoping Barbie fans are either a) too young to compare themselves to their doll or b) old enough to realize that it's just a doll. 

That being said, as an overweight child who played with Barbies, I cannot say that they've attributed to my self esteem problems. Those came later in life. No toys that I interacted with caused me to doubt myself. And it wasn't until 7th grade that I even noticed I was different and overweight. I was lucky enough to not be bullied. I had friends all throughout elementary school, and it wasn't until I hit  puberty that I noticed any imperfections. Barbie did nothing. 

So while, yes, having different shaped Barbies is great, I think it satisfies the needs of parents and adults more so than the children.