I'm tired of this...

Nope. I'm tired of this feeling. Because I love myself and because I love my child, I need to do something about this.

I didn't realize or admit to myself until recently, but I've been binge eating at night. When Peter goes to work and when Jenny is sleeping, I have no other distractions, and I eat. Oh boy, do I eat. I'm talking whole Jimmy Johns subs, chips, drink, and then dessert. I'm talking dinner, dinner again, then 3 shortbread cookie bars.

I'm so sick. I feel like I'm just pushing my body to its limits and letting it control my life. I'm not happier because I eat. I don't feel like I'm fueling myself so that I can have energy for my daughter. I feel like I'm just stuffing and cramming and pushing. More more more. Until I can't move.

SO July 1 is the day I take my body back.

The Sadness

Sadness is rearing her head into my life again. Why? I don't know.

I didn't find out until recently that depression runs in my family. While I've never seen anyone or talk to anyone professionally, I think I may have it as well at times. A friend shot me a link to free counseling through NIU, maybe I'll check it out.

Writing in this blog, and really focusing my energy on loving myself and taking time for myself has really helped me in the past. Now that I'm not working and staying home full time to take care of Jenny, I really want (read: need) to schedule in time for me. I need to start painting again. I need to create and exercise, and maybe find a new hobby. I want to read and cook. I want to hang out with my daughter and make memories for both of us. I have a lot to be thankful for. Let's start relishing in these moments rather than dwell on 1 teeny, tiny negative thing.

A new day. A new Aimee.

For the past week and a half I've really been watching what I eat and going for walks. I think I've consistently walked at least 2 miles every day. I got a Fitbit for my birthday, and that helps. I really want to learn how to cook because I enjoy watching people cook, and I think I might get good at it, if I practice. I mean, good cooks run in my family.

So I don't know, I think posting will become a regular thing after Jenny goes to bed... Just need to think of a format and schedule...

SURPRISE!!

I can blog about this now. I've told my work, I've told my family, I've told my dance children, and I've put it my social media. Now, I can blog about it.

You may have noticed that I stopped blogging around April 1st of this year. I was going strong for a few months, then nothing. Well, that's because I pee'd on a stick and it was positive.

2 clear, dark blue lines. Happy April Fools Day, you're pregnant! I remember seeing a lot of posts online saying a positive pregnancy test is a cruel April Fools Day joke because so many people deal with infertility and pregnancy loss. It's insensitive. Then, here I am, with an actual positive test. Of course, I couldn't post about it on that day. I didn't know it yet, but I was only 4 weeks along.

Since I've been so irregular, and since my last period was at the end of January, the doctor said I could be as far as 9 weeks! But, after my first ultrasound, and only seeing a yolk sack (not a fetus!), they deemed me 5 weeks. So, the fact that Peter and I were able to get pregnant was a miracle. We had absolutely no idea when I was ovulating, and everyone was right. When you stop worrying about it, it'll happen. We tried when we were feeling frisky, not out of obligation. And it worked! I had another ultrasound the next week, and they found a little blip in my body. That blip was baby. At this point, Blip Baby even had a heartbeat! It's amazing, hearing a heat beat at 6 weeks, when baby is nothing but a head and a tail... It's awesome!

Once we had a heartbeat, we went ahead and told our family. Peter's mom, step dad, and sisters. Peter's dad and step mom. And my parents and brother. I, of course, had to tell someone right away, so I spilled the beans to my sister-in-law, Sabrina, and Lizzie; 2 of which were also pregnant at the time.

Time goes by. I get nauseous, but only actually throw up 3 times. I tell you, feeling nauseous, but never actually throwing up, is almost worse than actually throwing up...

I download 2 pregnancy apps. Ovia, which tells me the size of my baby in either strange-but-cute animals, toys & games, Parisian bakery items, or fruit & vegetables. I also download the What to Expect app, because it's too cliche to not download!

During the first 3 months, I stop going to the gym and live on bagels and toast. I feel miserable at work (which made it painfully obvious to my boss that I was pregnant), and snapped at some of my students at dance. My pants still fit, and things were looking good!

My 3 month ultrasound was magical!! I went with Jessie, my sister-in-law, as she was staying with us for the week. Baby was no longer a Blip Baby. Baby had arms, Baby had legs, and Baby was moving and shaking and kicking and waving at us! Baby was twisting and turning, and actually looked like a human. It was wild. It was amazing, and it's so AWESOME knowing that something like that is growing inside of me! Awesome, and a little freaky. The first and second ultrasound photos are only 6 weeks apart. It's amazing how Baby goes from tiny blip to actual fetus in less than 2 months. I can't believe it.

We had a big pregnancy reveal at my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I made him a shirt that said, "For my birthday, Aimee & Peter..." (on the front) "...are making me a COUSIN! Baby Marx Est. 12-2016" (on the back). It took people a little bit to figure out, because we call my cousin's baby, "baby cousin," so in actuality, Chevy (my nephew) already has, like, 4 cousins. But once they figured it out, they were all very happy for us, and congratulating us.

 

At the library (at at the dance studio), I announce my pregnancy a little different.

I bought a box of donuts and put a sign in the box that said something like, "Eat up, Aimee can't be the only one with a belly!" One of my coworkers at the library is also pregnant. She's 10 weeks more pregnant than I am. I think that worries some of my other coworkers (especially since my department is only 3 people, and 2 of them are pregnant....), but I think we'll be okay.

The dance recital was last night, June 4th. At the end of the show, my boss made a video commemorating the graduating seniors. She also had a bit talking about the growing ASA ("A Step Above;" the studio's name) family. She mentioned how she's getting married next summer and included a picture of her and her fiance. Directly after, she put up a picture of my 12 week ultrasound, and everyone in the audience gasped! They all through she was pregnant!! Hilarious! But soon after it said, "Baby Marx, coming December 2016. Congratulations Miss Aimee!" So now EVERYONE knows.

I've been having fun thinking about the future, how to decorate the baby's room, and what to paint for the baby. I just ordered maternity clothing from Old Navy. The pants I ordered in 3 different sizes, since I have no idea what will fit... So I totally have the intention of exchanging. Unfortunately, Old Navy stores near by carry maternity clothing... so I can't try on right away. But I also got dresses and a shirt.

#randomquestion

What word or saying from the past do you think should come back?

Word.

It's what you say when you agree with someone someone else has said. For example:

Person 1: Yo, these hot dogs are amazing!
Person 2: Word.
[both eat hot dogs]

Weekly round-up!

I've been slacking! Only made it to the gym twice this past week, and I didn't teach tap either. I've been a total bum!! I cannot wait until it gets nicer outside... I'd love to start running in the mornings.

March 28-April 3, 2016

• Spin class: 33 minutes, 10.4 miles.
• Treadmill: walk 15 minutes, high incline.
• Stationary bike: 15 minutes, 11 resistance.
• 24 push-ups, 24 sit-ups, 45 second plank, 12 burpees, 24 mountain climbers, 25 jumping jacks, 12 weighted squats. 
• At least 910 calories burned.

I was late to spin class because I wanted to get some HIIT in. My goal is to get back to a routine of at least going every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, with the occasional weekend day. We'll see. We're starting to get really busy at work, what with it being April, and we need to have everything for Summer Reading locked down by Memorial Day... That, and we have 8 rehearsals until the recital. Eight. My Tap 1 piece is a hot mess, and I just realized that Roger Daltrey says "Who the fuck are you?!" in the middle of my recital song... So... that's a problem. Did I mention our Summer Reading Kick-Off event is the same day as the recital?! What a long weekend I have to look forward to!!

#feelgood: body confidence

The Evolution of Barbie

I was pretty happy to stumble upon this video. It shows little girls playing with Barbie dolls that look like normal people. I guess Matel is making Barbie's in different shapes now, so kids can choose whether they want a more normal looking doll, or the stereotypical shaped Barbie doll. I like the idea of letting kids choose, but I don't think it's a good idea to get rid of the unproportional Barbie we all know and love. 

There is a fine line between wanting a doll that looks different, unlike yourself and idealizing that doll while bringing yourself down at the same time. I could want a Malibu Barbie because I'm a kid from the midwest, who has never been to a beach. It's fun to pretend. But when I start comparing myself to the doll, and feeling sad about it, that's when it becomes unhealthy. I'm hoping Barbie fans are either a) too young to compare themselves to their doll or b) old enough to realize that it's just a doll. 

That being said, as an overweight child who played with Barbies, I cannot say that they've attributed to my self esteem problems. Those came later in life. No toys that I interacted with caused me to doubt myself. And it wasn't until 7th grade that I even noticed I was different and overweight. I was lucky enough to not be bullied. I had friends all throughout elementary school, and it wasn't until I hit  puberty that I noticed any imperfections. Barbie did nothing. 

So while, yes, having different shaped Barbies is great, I think it satisfies the needs of parents and adults more so than the children. 

#vsthursday: NYC vs. LA

New York City vs. Los Angeles

If the people of NYC and the people of LA were in a gang fight, I'd root for NYC. I think since they go through harsh winters, they have to gonads to win in a gang fight. The people of LA would be too soft and hippy-dippy, fear that they'd drop their Starbucks or ruin their tan.

Wow, stereotype much, Aimee?

Now, I've been to NYC once in my life. About 10 years ago, I went with the music department with my high school. We saw the sights, visited Time Square, saw the Statue of Liberty, etc etc etc. It was cool, but I'm not itching to go back anytime soon. I'd rather visit LA just because I'd be pumped to run into any YouTuber. I love that they can make a living being creative and by doing what they love. I look up to so many of them... Besides, California is beautiful... So in terms of what city I'd love to go visit. I'd say LA.

If you chose NYC: you're cerebral, suffer from delusions of grandeur.
If you chose LA: you're frivolous, suffer from delusions of grandeur. 

#reactionwednesday: Visible Belly Lines

Buzzfeed has a lot of useless stuff on their website. But sometimes they have really great body positive messages and inspiring stories. I love it when Kristin posts articles and videos. She's a pretty smart lady. This past week she posted a video and article chronicling her week wearing outfits that didn't hide her belly.

It's a pretty good read and watch. One point that I really related with was when she said she posed for pictures, she had a go-to pose that she knew looked good. I, too, do this. In all of my wedding photos, I didn't want to be hunched over, so I made sure to stand up straight, stick my chest out, and tilt my head up. I also know to never look at the camera head on, and that a slight turn to the left looks best. Looking at it head on will make my face look rounder and fatter (see left), but if I turn my head slightly, you'll see my jaw-line, and I'll appear slimmer in the face (see right). These pictures were taken less than 1 week apart.

It's amazing how we train ourselves to look good in photos. Photos are something, especially now that social media is so prevalent, that seem to last forever. And now that everyone body has a camera in their pocket nearly all the time, we're taking pictures more often. It makes sense that we want to look good, but why does that matter so much? Shouldn't we enjoy the moment vs. worrying about looking good in the photo? Don't even get me started with taking 1-million selfies before choosing just the right now. It's ridiculous. Does anyone else have a signature pose? Hand on the hip? Do you do the skinny arm? Sorority girl? I'm curious what other girls do, if anything!

I've embedded the video, and I think it's worth a watch.

Wentworth Miller & body shaming

As some of you may know, from 2011-2012, I was obsessed with the show, "Prison Break." Julien had introduced it to me, and it really helped me get through my year in Montreal. The star of the show, Wentworth Miller, was very fit, and was often depicted shirtless to show off his giant-blueprint tattoo. Fox has recently announced that they're filming another season (!!!), so the actors are surfacing again. Specifically, Wentworth.

Yesterday he was the target of a cruel internet meme.

He combats the meme and goes on saying that the picture on the right was taken at one of the lowest points in his life. A point where he had suicidal thoughts, and turned to food for comfort. So he gained weight. And he happened to run into paparazzi.

People turn to body shaming right away without knowing anything about the person. They assume the worst, which is a really shitty thing for a person to do. Not all skinny people are healthy, and not all overweight people are unhealthy. Things happen in their personal life that may cause them to gain or lose a substantial amount of weight. The size of someone's body doesn't alter who they are as a person, and we should never, ever make fun of someone because of it.

Assuming someone gained weight because of Mcdonald's Monopoly is like assuming someone with a belly is pregnant, or that someone with a nose scar just got punched in the face... You wouldn't shouldn't mention those things without knowing them personally. How is this any different?

Wentworth's reaction is a good read. I suggest you look it up, or click the link above.

#randomquestion: Online Education

What do you think of online education?

I think online education is really, really awesome. I think it opens a lot of doors for a lot of different people and that it can be a great opportunity to get a higher education! Many parents, who can't leave their house for hours at a time can take advantage of online education. Or students who don't have a car and can't travel. Or they don't have enough money for room & board, and can only afford tuition. There are a lot of benefits to going to school online. And with technology as great as it is, it's very easy to feel like you're in a classroom setting while sitting in your PJs on the couch. 

I got my masters online, and I often brag that I got my MA in my sweatpants. We had to participate in discussions, present PowerPoint to our class, write papers, and work on group projects just like on campus students. Working entirely online also prepares you for technology and forces you to learn new tech. Prezi, Google Drive, Drop Box, YouTube, to name a few. 

You definitely need to be focused and organized to complete a degree online. And it might take a little longer, but if you have the patience and gusto, it's well worth it. 

Is there such thing as a "normal week?"

Every time I think my week will be back to normal, something throws me for a loop. Whether it's an unexpected sinus infection or your husband has a 3 day suspension and pneumonia, nothing seems to be "normal" anymore.

Yes, all 3 of those things happened this past week.

Because of this sinus infection, I only managed to work out twice this past week.

March 21-27, 2016

• Ran 2.25 miles.
• Spin class: 60 minutes, 16.2 miles.
• Stair stepper: 16 minutes, 1301 steps.
• 12 push-ups, 25 walking lunges, 25 high knee walks.
• 2h 45m of teaching tap.
• At least 1366 calories burned.

Next week will be better. I am hoping for no unexpected illness and a pretty normal week. It's spring break for both the Kaneville schools and at the dance studio. Meaning I'm not teaching and the library will likely be packed with kids... so maybe it won't be so normal after all... 

#randomquestion: personal hell

It's more like 2 questions today.

What does your own personal hell look like? How about your own personal heaven?

A personal hell would be someplace where it's always loud, and where someone is always yelling. Doesn't have to be at me, but yelling in general. I'd be stuck in a room with someone playing Call of Duty, yelling at the TV, and I'd be right next to this person screaming for help because I was sick or something was wrong. And I'm always cold. That's my personal hell.

A personal heaven is much nicer! First of all, it's quiet, but not dead silent. There can be nice music, or just ambiance sounds. It's preferably outside in the sun, but it's not too hot. Overall, though, it's just pleasant, and there are absolutely no first-person-shooter games!

Weekly Round Up

On Sunday's I'm going to start posting a weekly round-up of my gym happenings.

March 14-20, 2016

• 1 session upper body, 1 session lower body, 1 session whole body; 3 total sessions.
• 108 upper body strength training reps.
• 75 lower body strength training reps.
• Ran 1 mile.
• Spin class: 60 minutes, 19.6 miles.
• 48 lunge walks, 24 push-ups, 24 burpees, 48 high knee walks, 48 sit-ups, 48 mountain climbers. 
• 3.5 hours of teaching tap.
• At least 1,621 calories were burned. 

Now I can set weekly goals and have someplace to record them. 

In August of 2014, I ran a half marathon with my friend Sheena. We set a goal, signed up together, and finished. By the end of the race, I said to myself that I'll never sign up for another 13.1 miles ever again. And now, here I am, 1.5 years later, contemplating signing up for another one. It's the Madison Mini-Marathon that runs through downtown Madison, WI. It's on August 20th. I want to do it as a graduate school graduation present to myself, as I just finished my degree online via UW Madison this past December. Crazy, right? Let's run 13.1 miles because I got a masters degree! Runner's World has ranked it #14 as the best half-marathon in the U.S., it goes past over 13 landmarks, and it's advertised as well-shaded and right on the lake. It sounds beautiful, and fulfilling. One problem is I really hope to be pregnant by August. Do I sign up still? Peter and I have postponed fun things because we're trying to have a baby, and it hasn't panned out for us just yet. So I don't want to miss out, but I also don't want to run 13.1 miles pregnant. Carol, my friend, suggested signing up, training, and if I do get pregnant, I can just walk it. I have until mid-April to decide, because after that, the price goes up to $85. Next week I'll start running more seriously, and we'll see how I feel after 2 weeks. 

#feelgood: Size 6

Today I went to the Gap. I have their credit card, so I get coupons and coupons and coupons... but I'm okay with it, since I only really buy clothing from the Gap now-a-days. Anyway, I found a dress that was super cute. I tried a size 12, too big. They didn't have a size 10, and I was bummed... so I decided to try at size 8. Too big! So I ended up with a size 6. Six. I felt pretty good. I also ended up leaving with 2 jeans skirts, a pair of shorts, and some sunglasses. Very good shopping trip, everything fit or was too big. Sometimes shopping trips don't always end on such a high note... 

So, lately I've been pretty happy with myself. I feel good, and I'm eating okay. I've been doing more cardio, and overall I'm just happy with myself and my body. Refreshed, and feeling accountable for my actions and emotions. 

#vsthursday: St. Patrick's Day Edition

Happy St. Patrick's Day from the green crew at the Sugar Grove Public Library! I love my job, where else can you celebrate with green wigs?

Today's Vs. Thursday is a good one.

Girl Scout vs. Badger

I'd vote for the badger, 100%. Especially if it's a Honey Badger. Because he don't give a fuck. But also because I heard from a coworker that when her daughter was in girl scouts, one of their prizes or incentives for selling cookies or earning badges was to stay in a hotel for a night. Aren't girl scouts suppose to rough it?! I don't know, I chose dance over girl scouts, and I do not regret that decision. Finishing girl scouts and making it to the end is impressive, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't for me. Twirling on stage in a tutu was more my speed. 

#reactionwednesday: That's a shame, you're so pretty!

This past week I had an awkward experience with a patron at the youth reference desk. She came in to apply for a volunteer position. We're always looking for volunteers, and since she is a retired school teacher, the man at circulation sent her to me to chat. This is how our conversation went.

Her: Hi, my name is so-and-so, and I'm looking to voluntee- OH MY GOD what happened to your nose?!
Me: Oh, nothing, it's been like that for over 10 years, it's nothing.
Her: It looks like someone punched you!
Me: Oh?
Her: Yeah, I'm about ready to offer to punch them back, and it's a shame, you're such a pretty girl!
Me: Heh heh...

A few things, if you've just met someone, you don't bring up facial deformities. Now, she's lucky. I love my nose scar, and I never try to hide it under make-up. I honestly don't think I look like me when it's covered or photoshopped out of photographs. Hell, I told the make-up artist on my wedding day to not cover it up. BUT if someone was less comfortable or more sensitive with their scars, making a comment like that is just awful. Especially if it's the second thing you say to someone. You don't do that. It's just plain rude. Also, that's a shame, you're such a pretty girl is a pretty shitty thing to say to anyway. Does my scar make me ugly? If I didn't have it, would I be prettier? Perfection isn't real, and to point out that my scar doesn't fit your ideal beauty standards, and to presume that because of that, it makes me any less pretty, is ridiculous.

I posted on my facebook about it, and got some really great comments, and I'd like to share:

Something like this happened this past Monday as well. A dance mom asked what happened to my nose, and I said, "Oh nothing recently. Something happened 15 years ago, but now that's just how my face looks!" I think that might be my go-to from now on. 

Ch-ch-changes

I've decided to not weigh-in weekly. I find, and have found this in the past, that when I go to the gym regularly, my scale either stays the same or goes up. And it's not healthy (mentally) to bog yourself down on that number.

SO I will make measurements and take my weight down monthly. It's the ides of March, so I set a reminder to take all measurements on the 15th of every month. We'll see where this goes from here.

157.6 lbs
43" hips
32.5" waist
36.5" chest

I know and follow at least 3 women online who lost weight and got fit through running. Part of me really wants to get back into it. I remember that runners high and satisfaction of conquering miles... but then I remember how much it physically hurt. How my hips grinded and my toes bled... Still, I get this twinge of jealousy when I see them posting pictures of their run or a sweaty selfie. Not saying I'm going to run another 1/2 marathon, but I'm thinking about it... (Sheena, talk me out of this!!)

(Unrelated), I recently splurged on Spotify Premium. And my splurged, I mean a whooping $12.99 a month! Anyway, it's awesome. It's like, all the music you could want, new, old, classical, story time jams, anything! It's great for dance class, and it's great for toddlers who need to shake it. No regrets.

#randomquestion: funny videos

What was the last funny video you saw?

An oldie, but a goodie. Jenna and Julien playing with helium booth. It's like photobooth on a mac, but also changes you voice. If you're looking for more Jenna and Julien funny videos, you can click here, here, or here. I love them together, and I think they're pretty funny when they do videos together. They compliment each other completely. ALSO, it took me a loooong time to warm up to Julien, just because of the name, but I'm over it, and now he's one of the only vloggers I watch. 

My bad

I have worked late this past Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I'm not going to backdate a weeks worth of blog entries, as I haven't blogged since last Sunday, so I'm just going to pretend like it never happened! Life got crazy, sorry.

The biggest highlight of last week was that I finally got my female interpretation of Donatello's David tattoo. I'm not making any big post to my social media yet, not until it's healed. But just know that it's awesome, I'm in love with it, and it's incredibly sexy. Expect something within the next few weeks.

In the meantime watch this and get behind the #thisbody movement.