lump on a log

I can't remember the last time I blogged. I bet my last entry said something like, "Today is the day, gonna be good, gonna exercise, gonna eat right, etc etc etc."

I hate writing those kinda of entires because I come back to the blog weeks later, having failed that entry. I weigh more now then I have since 2007. I physically feel like such a bum, and I hate it. I hate feeling like this, and it's no ones fault except mine. I feel like all the progress I made throughout the year has gone down the toilet, and I have to start over.

A few weeks ago I decided to go for a run. I went a block when my right knee, left thigh, and hip twinged. I had to walk the rest of my route. I remember when I first started to run for fun earlier this year. It sucked in the beginning, but it felt so rewarding! I see posters for random 5K's around Batavia, and I get so sad. I couldn't run one tomorrow if I had to. Remember when I ran through a heavy tourist area of Montreal in my booty shorts? AND FELT GOOD?! I want to be like that again.

Needless to say, I feel like a stuffed sausage in my bridesmaids dress for my brothers wedding.

Just cut it off

I knew this post was coming... I just didn't know how soon it would come.

This is how the world sees me.

This is my trouble area.

This is the least favorite thing about my body. My handful of skin and flab.

The shorts are size 11. I don't care about my legs. I don't care about the thigh gap. I don't care that my upper arms are flabtastic. I don't even care what size or weight I am. They're just numbers and I could care less about that stuff. It's just my stomach area that I would love to either tone or just chop off! Snip snip, gone. Take all that extra skin and fat, haul it away and give it to someone who needs it. Donate my skin to science.

It's one of those days where, no matter what I put on, no matter how i look in the mirror, all I see is blargh. I hate days like this.

(To end this on a good note, you see, in the last photo, to the left of my elbow? That's my autographed photo of Joey McIntyre. It's a prized possession of mine.)

Meme... Tuesday?

I was so busy yesterday, I didn't have the chance to blog, but I really liked the question that was for meme Monday, so I'm going to do it today.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying. For example, would I have known that I hate library school without trying? Nope. And in a way, I failed library school. And I'm okay with that. Failing isn't such a terrible thing. I remember in 4th grade, I had this really strict teacher. She gave me my first D, and at the same time, gave my friend her first F. We cried, and I still remember my friends face, lathered in tears, the sound of her voice, cracking, "I got an F..." I didn't know it back then, but grades don't mean anything, really. Whether you fail, whether you succeed, you learned something. If you never try, you never learn...

Another example, I'm failing at losing weight! Four months into being very conscious of what I eat, I've lost nothing. Todays weight: 153 lbs.

I know I eat out more often than I should, but lately I haven't been over my calories at all! Look here, go back a few days, someone tell me what I'm doing wrong!! 

All day yesterday I felt like crap because I've been really focusing on being healthy for nearly 4 months now, and I basically have nothing to show for it. My starting weight was 155 lbs, and yesterday I peaked at 154 lbs. It just doesn't seem fair.

I've started to take measurements, though. I'll be recording them once a month to see if my body is actually transforming from a lumpy waterbed into a firm prison bed (I only assume prison beds are hard). 

I think it's time to get super serious. 

Weigh in

Todays weight: 154 lbs

I feel like, no matter what I do, my body doesn't feel like it needs to lose any weight. I know the numbers ultimately shouldn't matter, and that I should just feel good about myself regardless, but it's nice to see them going down, not up. I'd rather plateau. 

It's frustrating, I'm frustrated, let's go eat cake.

(kidding)