Oops, I don't care!

Tonight, I ate 1/2 of the frozen pizza I made. Do I feel guilty? Not really.

I haven't had a night where I sincerely didn't care about what I ate in a long time. And damn, it felt good to not over analyze the slices as they were entering my mouth.

I think it's good to have evenings like this. I hear it boosts your metabolism, and makes you body work extra hard the next day. Not sure if it's true, but I guess we'll see about that tomorrow. It is a cardio day tomorrow, after all.

Right now I'm at 2292 calories for today. My TDEE is 2330 and you're not supposed to eat under your BMR (1510) or above your TDEE... so I guess that means I'm still ok!

Meme Monday

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Should I be stereotypical and say World Peace or End World Hunger? (Why did I capitalize those words?)

Change about the world. Not just my world, THE world. I think I'd like to make education free, or at least at a minimal cost. No matter who you are, where you're from, what you did (as long as you love me), everyone deserves to be educated, if they choose to be. I'm not just talking about math, science, and history. I'm talking about sexual education, fine arts, if someone wants to know how to make a cardboard box, they should have access to that kind of information... 

Holy crap, do I sound like a librarian, or what? 

Unrelated, last night I spontaneously decided to quit soda. Cold turkey, no more for me. Nothing good comes out of it, even especially the diet stuff. Along with this new lifestyle change, I'm going to try to eat mostly unprocessed foods. I say mostly because I live with someone, and we eat together, simple as that. I want to make a rule saying, only eat food with XX amount of ingredients, but I'll have to do more research before I figure out what that number is. The date of this big change is probably going to be mid-July for reasons I cannot discuss because, if I do, I'll ruin the surprise! 

Kelly Osbourne

I wish I had added Miss Kelly Osbourne to my list of beautiful women I did a few entries back. Tonight I decided to google her, and, of course, I found all her weight loss goodies.

Now, I've always loved her. I love her quirky family, I love her brother, I love everything about her. She had pink hair when I had pink hair, we were both chubby, and even though I didn't swear back then, I felt something towards her. Like we could be friends. That's why it's called 'Easy' Jack, 'Easy Mac...

Anyway, enough of the sob story. I found this page, which links to many articles regarding her diet and her exercise routine. Seeing someone, who I thought was so much like me back in the day, seeing her change and transform into this beautiful goddess of a woman really gives me hope. Lately I've been hating what I see in the mirror, but reading about her success, and about how she's much happier really inspires me.

She changed herself, and her attitude towards food and exercise in the best possible way. No diet fads, not a lot of pressure from the media, I feel like she really did it for herself, and that's what I love about her and her story.

Absense

I've been away for a while. I've been slacking on the Vs Thursdays and Feel-Good, Freak-Out Friday, and for that, I apologize.

I haven't been slacking, though, with my "healthy" life. I've been eating at a higher calorie intake (1864) for about 2 weeks now. While it feels good knowing I can eat more than I was accustomed to, I found myself eating worse than I was accustomed to. For example, last weekend, Julien and I went out or had take out or fast food for 4 days in a row, yet I was always under my calorie goal. I felt like crap, but I was under, and I don't think that's how it works. I should be eating healthier higher calorie foods. Just because I have room to splurge with a cheeseburger, doesn't mean I should.

Since then, I've gotten better with food. Still not the greatest, but better.

When it comes to a healthier lifestyle, working out and getting active isn't going to be my problem, it's the heathy eating and the vegetables. I'm thinking about making my green smoothies again, since it's warm outside and a nice treat after a workout. I don't like green/yellow/red/orange peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers. Last time I ate raw broccoli I felt like puking, and I only see myself eating asparagus at dinner time. I'm not sure what a healthy salad looks like, though I'm sure I can find recipes.

I just love food, and I have a hard time saying no and/or eating in moderation. Because, let's face it, if there is an open bag of Doritos in front of me, I won't hesitate to eat the whole bag, and feel terrible about it afterwards.

Top 100

Maxim's top 100 hottest ladies is out. I imagine people expect me to say:

Maxim is so sexist! Every lady on this list is a skinny supermodel. Why aren't there any plus size ladies?! Blah blah beauty standards blah!

BUT, I'm not going to say that. Body shaming is body shaming is body shaming. We expect these kinds of ladies to come out of the Maxim world, I'm not going to complain.

Being that I'm a lady who finds other ladies to be beautiful, but not personally sexually appealing, I want to give my list of the top 5 ladies who are most beautiful (in no particular order).

(Explanation: While I think a naked female body is more aesthetically pleasing than a naked male body, I am not sexually driven to females. I am all for, though, ladies who dig other ladies. I don't hate! Get your love on, guuurls!)

 Kate Winslet is beautiful. She's curvy, she's cute, and she was all like, "Put your hands on me Jack..."  I loved her character in Eternal Sunshine. I love her quirkyness, and her voluptuous body. Total package.

Sarah Wayne Callies is beautiful. You may recognize her from The Walking Dead, as the terrible mother who keeps on losing her son in a Zombie apocolypse. Or from Prison Break, as the terrible doctor who lets 8 prisoners escape from her office. I find her to be old fashioned, simple, down to earth. Not super extravagant, just someone you'd like to watch a movie with, or knit.

 Emma Watson is beautiful. Do I really need an explanation? Talent, brains, beauty. Plus she's English, people dig accents!

 Liv Tyler is beautiful. When I was younger, I would print out pictures of her and put them on my assignment notebooks. Her eyes are icey, and it compliments her dark hair, I just love everything about her.

Last, but not least, Katilette is beautiful. You may know her as the wife of video blogger Shay Carl. She had her own YouTube account, and I recently posted a video of her singing with her sister and father. She's a gorgeous, talented, crazy-wacky mother of 4 beautiful children. Anyway, whoever can pop out 4 kids and still look this fresh and amazing deserves an award!

Just cut it off

I knew this post was coming... I just didn't know how soon it would come.

This is how the world sees me.

This is my trouble area.

This is the least favorite thing about my body. My handful of skin and flab.

The shorts are size 11. I don't care about my legs. I don't care about the thigh gap. I don't care that my upper arms are flabtastic. I don't even care what size or weight I am. They're just numbers and I could care less about that stuff. It's just my stomach area that I would love to either tone or just chop off! Snip snip, gone. Take all that extra skin and fat, haul it away and give it to someone who needs it. Donate my skin to science.

It's one of those days where, no matter what I put on, no matter how i look in the mirror, all I see is blargh. I hate days like this.

(To end this on a good note, you see, in the last photo, to the left of my elbow? That's my autographed photo of Joey McIntyre. It's a prized possession of mine.)

Meme Monday

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I don't know if I like this question. Hopefully, no. I'm engaged to a wonderful man. I'm going back to art school. I have a family I love and adore... I don't really want to do crazy things like sky diving or base jumping. I guess I could say I want to learn how to knit a sweater, and I probably won't... but that's a little thing. Nothing I would sweat over in the afterlife that I didn't do.

Anyway.

Unrelated to anything, but my "goal weight" is around 130-135. Not sure that'll EVER happen (maybe that's the one thing I'll say but not do), but if it does, I'll be the weight I was in 6th grade. Who else can say, "I want to weigh how much I was in 6th grade!" It's freaky.

I've also been feeling really crappy the past few days. Between not sleeping well (80+ degree (F) weather paired with no AC and having the curse of needing to sleep with a blanket) and eating terrible food (burgers, poutine, pizza, cake, ice cream...), it's no wonder I feel like crap. It's true what they say. The healthier you eat, the better you feel. I'm just so lumpy and gross right now... OH and it's Victoria Day, so the grocery stores are closed (apparently), and I'm out of fruit...

Bacon Cheeseburgers Extravaganza!

I've been really slacking on my weekly Thursday and Friday blog prompts. I feel like such a cheater when I simply change the dates, like I'm not an authentic blogger. So, let's just try again next week.

Last night, Julien and I went out for drinks and dinner with his animation team from work. While everyone enjoyed a beer, I ordered a diet coke. The bar gave me an orange slice on my glass (as opposed to a lemon or lime), and I thought that was pretty interesting. Never seen that before.

One of Julien's coworkers wanted to take us to an authentic burrito place, but when we showed up, they were closed. He was bummed, saying it felt like he got stood up on a date. We ended up going to some rinky-dink diner called Steerburger, and all of us, including the vegetarian, ordered the bacon cheeseburger. The waitress had said it was the hottest item on the menu, so we took her word for it.

And oh boy, the burgers came out, they were at least 3 1/2 inches round. They were juicy. The lettuce was fresh. Apparently the tomatoes were garden-like. The cheese was melty, but not too melty. There was mayo and onion and crispy bacon (not burnt, not slimy, just right), and it was probably the best burger I've ever eaten in my entire life. Everyone else agreed, and we think the vegetarian turned into a carnivore, thanks to the burger. The best part was, it was only $5! Julien and I spent $20 (including the tip) on 2 burgers, a poutine, and a coke. A-may-zing.

And surprisingly, after eating something so terrible for you, I wasn't over my calories. I still had 289 remaining, meaning if I really wanted to feel like a pig, we could have gotten dessert.

Fat Shame

Being Elmo

Last night I watched a fantastic documentary about Kevin Clash, the puppeteer who makes Elmo come to life. It's called Being Elmo.

The reason why I loved this film was because it shows how much success and happiness that can come out of doing something you love and are passionate about. It encourages the idea of being yourself and following your dream.

Growing up, Clash wasn't always the most popular, and he sometimes got made fun of because of his puppets. Kids were criticizing him for playing with dolls, etc. But he looked past those comments and stuck to it.

It's an amazingly inspirational movie, I suggest it highly, and it's even on Netflix! Take a gander at the trailer, if you need more convincing.

New Measurements!

It's the 15th, which means I take new measurements!

Neck: 12 inches (no change)
Waist: 29 inches (-.8 inches)
Hips: 39.5 inches (-1.3 inches)

I'd rather see myself losing inches than losing pounds. While both would be nice, seeing these numbers feels better.

Yesterday, I figured out my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) and my TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure).  So, basically, my TDEE, which is 2330, is how many calories I need daily to maintain my weight. My BMR, which is 1510, is the number of calories I burn if I stay in bed all day. According to the websites I've read and the people I've talked to on MFP, it's best to eat at least your BMR. In order to find out how many calories you should eat to lose weight, subtract 15%-20% from your TDEE. Thusly, my new calorie goal is 1864, daily.

I bet that was confusing. Here are a few links I used to figure all this out:

BMR Calculator
Fat2Fit
Scooby's Workshop

I... was... running!

Yesterday I had a great victory within myself when it came to my run. Since it was hot outside (nearly 80 degrees F), I decided to run in shorts. Now, I've never been comfortable in shorts. In high school and most of college I never wore them. I thought my legs were fat and jiggled and they had so many imperfections, I couldn't let anyone see them.

I'm starting to get out of that funk. Yesterday I donned my best pair of athletic shorts, and went for a nice run in Old Montreal, near the water. This part of Montreal is filled with cobblestones, horse and carriage rides, and best of all, tourists. SO MANY TOURISTS.

And you know what? I ran past those tourists in my short shorts gleaming with pride. I didn't care that they were riding up, or that my thighs were burning. I was proud to be running, and proud to be comfortable with myself, so that I didn't care what people thought. I never thought I'd get to this stage. I never thought I'd enjoy running so much. It's strange, I like it.

Talent

One of the YouTubers I follow tweeted this out yesterday. Chris Thompson is a guy from Chicago (represent!), who now lives in LA, but he has an amazing voice. Sadly, though, he often gets criticized for his weight, and if often called, a fat Ricky Martin.

Fat?! Are you serious?! If he's fat, I'm a whale. But seriously, he has amazing talents, and the fact that people can't see that and have to put him down for something so trivial is heartbreaking.

I look up to him because he tries his best to look through those hate comments and he seems like a generally wonderful guy. I haven't had the pleasure of running into him at O'hare airport yet, but I know I will one day (creepy?).

Here is a link to his Headphones Recommended playlist on his main channel. He made Coldplay bearable for me, which is a major feat. As did this man.

Feel-Good, Freak-Out Friday

Feel Good: Well, today is day 5 of the 30 Day Shred. I'm not sure if there actually is a difference in my body, but I feel pretty good. 1/6 of the way done! Also, unrelated, but my favorite YouTuber released a song this week that I have been obsessed with. Check it out!
Freak Out: Passive agressive tweets.

Last night we went to an Italian restaurant for Julien's brothers birthday. I saved up 1200 calories for dinner, and you better believe I used them all. Garlic bread, meat, fettucini alfredo, more garlic bread, it was delicious.

Worlds Fattest Woman Continued

I think it's important people see this video.

Worlds Fattest Woman

This article was floating around the MFP forums this morning. To sum it up, it's about this woman who has a goal of becoming the worlds fattest woman at over 1200 pounds, yet weighing in currently at 800 pounds. 30,000 calories a day. The article talks about her upcoming wedding, and features photos of her and her fiance.

Many people on the forums were shaming her. And it made me sad.

How could she do that? She looks disgusting! How can she be getting married, yet I'm still single? Look at her legs, they have layers!! Gross. Ugh... I just puked a little in my mouth, thanks HAHAHA


Now, this wouldn't be a personal goal of mine, but who am I to judge? She seems happy, she's still walking around, she's not depressed and just laying around all day. If she knows the consequences of her actions, we shouldn't judge her so quickly.

Body shaming is body shaming, no matter the body.

Myself

I started a Facebook event yesterday. Just a little something that let's friends know when I'm coming back to Illinois. I want to have a picnic, bring a volleyball, maybe have a few friends bring their instruments, just hang out without any worries.

It got me thinking how I don't have to compromise being myself around my friends from the states. They know I don't enjoy getting drunk. They know I don't enjoy going out to bars or clubs. And they know I'd rather hang out at a coffee shop until it closes, then run around town looking for an open bagel shop because I'm craving bagels. And then go back to my house and watch, "Mr. Beans Holiday."

I don't know. I guess I'm having a tiny problem committing myself to friendships while I'm in Montreal. I don't want to compromise myself by going out to bars and going out clubbing, when I know that's not who I am. It seems, though, that all I ever get invited to is that. I decline politely because I simply do not enjoy doing those thing, and I have a sinking feeling that my friends here will just stop inviting me. One thing I can do, though, is invite them out places. I'll do that soon.

I can't change who I am for the sake of friendships. If I did, it would go against what this whole blog is about: being yourself, loving yourself, accepting yourself.

I guess I just feel like a rhino in a flock of unicorns.

Meme Monday

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Wow, that's deep. My guess would be we're afraid to do the things we like, either because we'll spend too much money, or we might fail. People like to feel safe, and that means making a decent living doing something they don't necessarily want to do, but they feel like they have to do.

Hey! This question closely relates to my life right at this moment. I haven't gone very public with this bit of information yet (just on twitter, which is not publicly visible), but I'm I think it's time. I'm dropping out of McGill and going after my art dreams. I won't be returning to Library School in the fall, instead I'll be busting my ass doing an intensive online art program with The Art Department. I pursued Library School in the first place to ensure safety. I'd always have a job because, even though you may think libraries are going out of style, they won't ever actually do that. But I wasn't happy, so I'm doing something I've always loved, which is art. I always seem to run back to it, so it must be a sign that it's what I'm meant to do. I honestly cannot wait!

DDPYOGA

Sorry for my lack of Feel-Good's and Freak-Out's. Julien has been using my mac a lot lately, so my prime blogging hours have been compromised.

Yesterday I did another 5K for the Jewish Rehabilitation Hospital in Laval, QC. My sister in law was running it (as a manager, not literally), so I got a discount to participate. Seeing as I was less ready for this one, my time was a bit worse, but only by a few minutes. I clocked in at 36-something minutes. But, I did enjoy this run more. Instead of running around a racetrack with nothing to look at, we went around neighbourhoods, surrounded by houses and cars. Definitely a lot more interesting. There were also a lot less people (700 to last weeks 7000), which I enjoyed.

In regards to my exercise habits, I'm going to start relying less on the gym. For many reasons, I no longer wish to go there, but the main one would be the $43 a month I have to pay to be a member. Now that it's nice outside, I'd like to start running first thing in the morning. This is the plan:

• Cardio (running) every other day.
• 30 Day Shred every weekday (weekends off)
• Walking Chubbs nightly, if possible. 

When the 30 Day Shred is over, and if I liked it, I'd like to try other Jillian Michael's workouts. Start a tiny collection of work out DVDs.

I'd also like to try DDPYoga. DDP, you know, like Diamond Dallas Page, the professional wrestler. I've always had a soft spot for him, not quite sure why... Anyway, I first found out about it through the video below. I highly recommend you watch it.

I just rewatched, "Hairspray" after not seeing it since it was in theatres. Like many movies I saw when I was younger, I like this movie a lot more now. Tracy Turnblad's optimism shines throughout this whole movie, and you hardly ever see her without a smile. She gives confidence to so many people (including her mother John Travolta), I nearly cried.

Why can't we all be as fabulous as Tracy?

Vs. Thursday

Shock vs. Awe

Awe, because shock usually implies something bad. For example, look at these scenarios:

You're pregnant?! I'm so shocked!!
You're cheating on me?! I'm so shocked AND AM GOING TO KILL YOU!

vs. 

Look at that those beautiful fireworks! I'm in awe!
You surprised me with chocolates, a diamond ring, and a trip to Disney World? I'M IN AWE!!

See? 

If you chose shock: You're an exhibitionist and chronically dissatisfied, a loud talker.

If you chose awe: You're romantic and idealistic, may have a lisp.

realization

Hello. My name is Aimee, and my weight doesn't matter much to me anymore.

I've been getting really frustrated with myself lately because I've been working out, eating better, but not seeing any improvements on the scale. None. I've thought to myself, If nothing is changing, why bother? I've thought that many times...

But, you know what? I think I'm in one of those bodies where it just needs toning. And I think that's why I haven't seen any changes on the scale. You know how, when you first begin a weight loss journey, you lose quicker than towards the end? For example, with me. I lost the bulk of my weight in middle school, and have been sitting where I am now (basically) for 8+ years. And it's only now that I'm really wanting to tone up and get firm. Muscles and what-not.

Now that I realize I'm at that stage, the scale shouldn't doesn't matter to me. Instead, I'll just be taking measurements every 15th of the month.

Today I ran/walked aimlessly for a good 45 minutes or so. It's been a very stressful few days, so it felt good to just run. So... you just ran! 

Meme... Tuesday?

I was so busy yesterday, I didn't have the chance to blog, but I really liked the question that was for meme Monday, so I'm going to do it today.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying. For example, would I have known that I hate library school without trying? Nope. And in a way, I failed library school. And I'm okay with that. Failing isn't such a terrible thing. I remember in 4th grade, I had this really strict teacher. She gave me my first D, and at the same time, gave my friend her first F. We cried, and I still remember my friends face, lathered in tears, the sound of her voice, cracking, "I got an F..." I didn't know it back then, but grades don't mean anything, really. Whether you fail, whether you succeed, you learned something. If you never try, you never learn...

Another example, I'm failing at losing weight! Four months into being very conscious of what I eat, I've lost nothing. Todays weight: 153 lbs.

I know I eat out more often than I should, but lately I haven't been over my calories at all! Look here, go back a few days, someone tell me what I'm doing wrong!!